Anxiety.

”Anxiety can be something so painful that you feel like climbing the stairs is a walk that lasts forever. Fear and the sound of your heart inside your head can make you blind to what is actually around you.”

Breathing.

Breathing is the most important thing you can do. When you feel you can’t breathe, look around you. Look at something. Focus on it and forget about trying to breathe and your body and soul will take over. You will calm and slowly feel yourself fall down like a feather. It will still be there but it’s up to you to do the rest. I watched a moth in my bedroom fly around my books for hours. I forgot everything and it was almost a feeling of the afterlife. To not feel anxiety.

I remember my first ever touch with anxiety. I was always a timid and shy child. I was used to be quiet and hidden. But i felt no pain, i didn’t feel my bones catch fire. I was 15 and walking to school. I left home saying goodbye to my mother… feeling normal and frightened of school as usual. As i was walking through the woodland path that leads to my school, i caught sight of some builders working on an old abandoned house. I looked at them and they looked at me… i felt my skin catch fire. I was sweating. My heart was beating so fast. My finger tips were grabbing whatever they could. I ran. When i entered the school doors everyone around me was moving so fast whilst i felt frozen. I ran into the bathroom with people looking at me strangely. I missed half my classes as i could not understand the feeling i felt. Why was i so scared? why was i sweating? why was my heart trying to escape my ribcage?. That night i stayed in my bedroom reading Terry Pratchett while the other side of my mind was trying to find out what happened to me. I told my mother what happened and she took me to a doctor. Over the next few months the fire was becoming bigger. I lost weight and had to leave school. 

Now i am nearly 30 years old and i still feel this fire inside my bones. When someone asks me what anxiety feels like, i still cannot find the right words. It feels different for everyone.